To Mr.
My parents always seemed to be the best. When I was a kid at school, I was plagued by a fear unreasonable and disproportionate, that of coming home and not find them. Quick, quick, too fast, I hunted the idea in my head for fear of having ignored the power to transform thoughts into reality.
I spoke, I spoke a lot. I always speak the same. At breakfast I told them everything from clothes to the teacher's comment no more of the class. I did not finish my meal and never j'agaçais my brothers, my sister and my parents by my chatter exaggerated. I appreciated especially
car trips with my mother. Enclosed dans sa caisse, elle n’avait d’autre choix que de m’écouter.
Avec le recul, et l’âge, j’ai réalisé que derrière ce rôle qu’ils se devaient de prendre, ils restaient un homme, une femme, comme tous les autres, avec leurs peurs, leurs blessures, leurs efforts, leurs faiblesses, leurs ambitions, leurs rêves. Et je m’en voulus d’être souvent passée à coté.
Mais s’il y a une chose que je leur reconnais, c’est de nous avoir offert, dès notre plus tendre enfance, la liberté.
La liberté de jouer dans la boue, avec les chats et les souris. La liberté de marcher seul to the cinema, when our neighbors were our age go to bed at 18 hours. For us, the evening was only beginning. Freedom later to studies of our choice. I chose the Law. In a family that has a head for science. Freedom, much later, to fall in love with the boy for whom my heart was pounding. It is nice, stupid, dirty or ugly.
And this freedom, I could not shake them.
She especially when amplified alone in a foreign city, I was able to experience it in its more elaborate version. Because even the eyes of parents, then walked away. And my freedom, I am soaked. I devoured as to explore its limits. And especially mine. I boasted, I abused, I sang it ... and I even wept often. When alone in a dark street, when the cold slap me, when my courage and escaped me when loneliness overcame me, I hoped, so deeply, be protected.
And yet ... and yet, even if I have it, although I've always had, I realized why she had been granted. This dangerous weapon which often requires beware. This prerogative intangible and priceless enjoyed the powerful and dreamed of states, individuals and children .... This natural and inalienable right which is the focus of international talks, wars, revolutions. Yes, I understood why my parents have always considered worthy of this blessing ...
I understood too late perhaps. Or have I understood too soon. I understand and I smiled. I understand and I blushed. My parents knew that on a solid foundation on well established principles, freedom could not hurt us. Because she had inked on her as a contradiction, its own limitations.
Yes, I'm liberal. I'm as liberal a single Lebanese woman living in London can be. Because I choose my friends, I live alone, I dance, I cry, I drink ... and I make my own choices. I love the light dresses, walks at night, yellow shoes, the music at any time of day and night, loves senseless debates daring, obstacles, too ambitious ambitions and challenges. Life. Life. Life.
And during a dinner with a man who looks like me, a man who comes from my country, living in the same city and who has in the eyes the same desires, I replied that yes, I love Beirut. But unfortunately I do not like him more. Because I am indeed very liberal. But I have a lot of principles. While Beirut is conservative. But has more often, and unfortunately, principles. ©
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